A week later....

Well it's been one week today since I lost my Annie. It's hard to believe that much time has passed. Much of it's a blurr and it's not getting much easier. I've stopped crying as much and that is good, but I miss her so much and have had trouble sleeping because she's not with me. Lukey, who we also call Big Fat Boo Boo, is trying so hard to comfort me and stays with me all night, which is so sweet. Gil took a video of Annie last March and when he told me he had it, I had to watch it. I think it was too soon.

My father died in 1991 at the young age of 63. About a year after he passed away, I had a dream....can't remember what it was about, but he was there. I couldn't see his face, but he was next to me and I could see his arm. It was thick, tan and the hair stood up. I recognized it immediately and touched it...ran my hands up and down it. I remember when I woke up that I felt so comforted just being able to touch him again.

Over the weekend, I asked God to give me a dream like that where I could hold Annie and touch her. He did. Again, I don't remember what the rest of the dream was about but I remember holding her tight and thinking that I wanted it to last forever. When I woke up, I felt grateful that God gave me the dream, but I was missing her just as much.

Missing My Girl....

This painting of my Annie was done by Jane, a friend from an art website. She captured her so beautifully.

I've never had a cat like Annie before. I've had ones that are very special, but nothing to compare with the depth of our bond all these years. She was always conscious of what I was doing. She could appear to be in a sound sleep, but if I moved or left the room, there she was, following me wherever I would go. She would anticipate my moods, comfort me when I was sad, stay by my side and care for me when I was sick. It's like she knew exactly what I was thinking all the time.

One of her many nicknames was My Girl. I'd be lying on the couch and she'd be on top of me like in the picture below, sound asleep and I'd say, "I love my Girl" and she would immediately start purring. She knew just what I was saying.

Today has been a hard day because I've been home working at my computer and her space seems so empty. As her cancer progressed, it seemed like she wanted to be even closer to me. She would come out of her box and sit in front of my keyboard, making it impossible for me to type. I'd just hold her and she'd purr so loud. I'm convinced that she knew she was dying and like me, was treasuring every moment. It was such a gift to me to have her do this. How much I wish she were here stopping me from writing this post.

Moses and Nort

Most of the time Moses, Annie's son, is a real sweetie. But, he seems to have multiple personality disorder. When he gets agitated, he starts to snort, gets fresh and growls. This behavior has earned his alter ego the nickname "Nort the Snort."

As I've been grieving my Annie, Moses has been some comfort, but yesterday when he was all love and purrs and all of a sudden, without warning, there was Nort, fresh and hissing! I know he misses her too but it's not a real comfort when he does that and it seems to be happening more lately.

So with all this going on with Mo, my DH, Gil, said if I wanted to get a kitten, it would be ok with him. Of course my Annie can never be replaced and I don't want to rush into getting a new kitten, but we are going to start looking and we'll get one when the time is right. There is a place where Gil delivers to that has several cats and often has kittens that Gil has said are really nice. So he's going to see if any of the girls are pregnant. I want a female when the time comes. We'll see.

Not getting any easier...

It's been 3 days since my Annie has been gone and it doesn't seem to get much easier. I keep looking for her, expecting her to be there and she's not. It's hard to get used to, especially at night.

This picture is of her in her beloved box, where she always sat when I was on the computer. I've filled the space up with books now because it's just too painful seeing it empty.

Moses, her son, was very depressed yesterday. Luke has been trying so hard to comfort me. It's really amazing how they know what's going on and miss her too.

One of these days I'm going to give a real try at painting her. The only one I've tried is the little sketch below. Once she got sick, I just couldn't do it. Someday soon, I'm going to try.

My Annie is gone....

My beautiful Annie is gone. Her cancer of the jaw finally grew to the point that she was beginning to suffer and I couldn't let her go through that. I had asked her to let me know when it was time and that's exactly what she did. Yesterday morning I just knew.

She was in her box that is next to my computer. She's had it for over 12 years and never wanted a new one. It's got duct tape all around it holding it together. She looks so sweet in it so I thought it would be good to bury her in it. I have a cat carrier that you can open from the top and side, so I picked up the box with her in it and put her in the carrier. She hates going to the vet and usually meows all the way there. This time she was pretty quiet. Once I got there, all signed in and paid, I sat down with her to wait. I opened the top and pet her in her box and talked her and told her how much I love her. She sat there purring away and she never has purred in the vet's office before. Once we got in the room, she was so good and so brave. She didn't fight it one bit and I just held her and kissed her and talked to her while they gave her the drug. It was very peaceful and I'm so greatful for that.

Gil had dug the hole on Sunday because I told him I knew it was getting close. I buried her in our yard and will get some plants this week to plant around her grave.

Now if I could just stop crying. I miss her so much. Last night was so hard. For 18 years she's slept on my chest every night. I kept waking up, looking for her and she wasn't there. I don't know if I'll ever get used to being without her. I love her so.

More texture experiments...

Here's another one...whole shot and close-up. This one has both the black and gold. The gold is just a little shine to it.

Texture Experiments

I recently got Watercolor - The Spirit of Spontaneity by Karlyn Holman.

She's got some very cool ideas for texture. One is webbing spray. I couldn't find it locally but did find it online. I bought the black, gold and white.

The second one was done with black and gold, the rest are just black. Each one has one wash and the last one has some water splatters as well. I'm going to add some more color and texture techniques and see what happens.

A quick little sketch while waiting for a larger painting to dry...
Thou shalt not fiddle!

I've been playing with color, layering and texture today. This is a tiny 4"x6" I did while testing colors for the larger ones I'm working on. Kind of liked it!

Playing with the color has lifted my spirits and distracted me today as I've been watching my Annie. She's still holding her own, but getting slower and sleeping more. It's really hard when I think I've made the decision and then she rallies again. When she sleeps on my chest and purrs away, I just can't do it. I'm still praying that God just takes her when it's time.